I’m a liar

I feel like I'm that tiny star in the bottom left corner compared to that huge ball of moon light fertility. It looks like I'm so close to it but really light years away.

I lied when I said I can try to  let go.  I lied when I said I’m going to try to continue on with an open mind and a great attitude.
Because this week has been a wee bit tough.  With pregnancy announcements in my own circle, and that freak of nature’s overworked uterus being inhabited again, my test results showing that my reserve numbers are in the second lowest of the lowest levels . . . even for a horrible bitch like me, it gets exhausting.  I feel like I am getting kicked right in my empty, procreatingly-challenged gut.  I have never been labeled the second lowest of the lowest level in anything.  My eggs are few and far between. . . like I’m a crotchety, old hag.  I’ve tried to be logical about it, but all I can think about is what a huge failure I am.  There are good pregnancy news that I can’t fully take part in or see because of the grief and frustration that completely blinds me.  I try to tread through it to get to the celebrations but my ego and vanity gets the better of me.  I’m sorry about that.  I am really happy you are happy even though I sound like I’m about to burst into tears.  I’ll work through it, I promise.

A friend of mine at work today rushed into my office, almost in the brink of tears, telling me she had to show me something on Facebook.  She logged onto her account, showed me the account of someone we both know, but with whom I’m not Facebook friends.  This person had updated their status:

“I AM EXPECTING… CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?… YES, WE ARE EXPECTING…

Christmas to come in 6 weeks.  We love Christmas! Post this on your status if you have a sense of humour.”

My friend didn’t even see the last bit of the post, and I had to point out to her that it was a stupid meme that this idiot is taking part in.  You should have seen the look on her face as tears pooled in her eyes.  Yes, she is going through some tough times with getting pregnant as well. It took so much out of her not to write vitriol on this idiot’s status.

I don’t understand this whole phenomenon.  AT ALL.  Why with the fake pregnancy announcement?  What the fuck does that have to do with raising awareness for any kind of disease or charity, other than highlighting one’s probable immense boredom with their quite possibly pathetic life? They are doing nothing but giving such disservice to these particular causes.
Mo, Bodega Bliss and Elphaba (among others) have most eloquently and articulately written about this before.  So let me give you the Cole’s notes version with my Facebook status, partly quoted from Elphaba:

Very livid rant alert:>> These facebook memes regarding fake pregnancies relating to breast cancer awareness, or christmas or winter or whatever the hell stupid things one jumps the band wagon on are plain STUPID. Pretending you’re pregnant isn’t nice, funny, nor does it raise any awareness. Certainly not to any of your facebook friends who may or may not have suffered a miscarriage(s) or are living with infertility. 1 in 6 couples go through this, so you do the math. Get that through your thick skull. And just because your idiot friend is posting these fake pregnancy announcements, it doesn’t mean you have to either. << Rant ended. Thank you.

So much for trying to be positive and staying in the now.  I drove home from work utterly defeated, in tears.
I am definitely calling that shrink tomorrow.  After getting that case of wine from the liquor store.


14 Responses to I’m a liar

  1. bodegabliss says:

    I think letting go and moving forward with an open mind and great attitude isn’t something you can just decide in one day…it’s a process and it takes time. No matter how much we believe we’ve let go, something will always come and challenge that, forcing us to hold onto it for just a little bit longer.

    Try not to be so hard on yourself…I know it’s easier said than done. I’m here if you need me. xoxo (And definitely go get that wine. ;-))

  2. Kcp says:

    It’s hard to deal with the reality of quantitative measures that put you in a category. Especially when it speaks about something you have no actual control over.
    As for that freak of nature… Something is definitely wrong with her and her psyche.

  3. Cablearms says:

    ❤❤❤ Thanks, honey.

    Sent from my iPhone.

  4. annemarie says:

    Hello! I am on photomeditations too that’s how I found your blog. Just wanted to say I am there with you. I have been through a similar process but didnt even have the guts to tell my friends or talk about it on my blog. I’ve reached the end of the line and am trying to let go. Wishing you much strength. Axxx

    • Cablearms says:

      Annemarie, you don’t have to blog about something in order for you to be brave.
      Just the mere fact that you are standing on the other side of your ordeal makes you stronger than you give yourself credit for! xo

      • annemarie says:

        Well that’s right I’m wobbling but still standing up :). And I just wanted to say that my psychotherapist has been a huge help. Go for it (and the wine too of course!!!)

  5. missohkay says:

    I’m sorry for your losses. Good for you for calling people out on the stupid memes. I’ve had losses too – visiting from ICLW.

  6. I have pretty much decided FB is the devil. If I see one more fucking ultrasound picture as profile pic or meme, I am going to kill someone. I agree with pp – letting go is a work in progress. As long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you are doing something right.

    Really glad I found you via ICLW.

  7. FYI – I just gave you an award :)

  8. dorothy says:

    i am not trying to talk your feelings away or want to get over it, but i just wanted to say, that i often, very often saw woman with the same results (reserves are low) and the doctors talked about them as infertile or in the climacterium or things like that and it all was wrong.
    they became pregnant. these are only results the medicine defined. nature is a different thing we will maybe never understand. a lot of woman became pregnant after treatments with nature medicine although the doctors told them the only could receive with their doctors methods. just a little hope i wanted to give forward to you. i hope this comes to you with the right vibrations. much love, d.

    • Cablearms says:

      Dorothy, my Unravelling sister… you have sent a bit of hope and light to me when I really needed it. i keep this hope with me as i go through the next phase of procedures in the next weeks and months.

      thank you for the good vibes. xoxo

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