Moving On

Okay, so here’s the thing.

I’m trying really hard to just go and let today pass by without any mention.  But who am I kidding, really?  Maybe, if I do this today, it would completely unchain me and finally move forward without any anchors holding me back or anvils crushing my head as I struggle free from this experience.

Today was supposed to be my due date, but obviously – I had a miscarriage.  And there’s a huge lump in my throat.  I know, I know… I’ve talked about this a gazillion times – but this is not something I can just completely glaze over because it was a big turning point in my life.

Six months later, I’m just starting to feel like myself again.  This summer, I’ve realized that I’m a lot stronger than I tend to give myself credit for.  The witty self-deprecation can be cute and funny, and depression is arguably and forgivably allowable, but it only goes so far and long that one can start getting wrapped up in their own despair and misery until they become the person that nobody wants to talk to or hang out with because they’re always so bloody sad and almost toxic.

I do not want to be that person.  I have a proclivity to depression, yes.  I  fall back on self-deprecation, guilty.  But I am more than that.  I have the capacity to give myself another chance, maybe to even trust that I can get over it, that I can ‘do it’.

I have come a long way.  It still pains me when I think about it, but I here I am, I woke up and got out of bed today – dressed myself and got myself to work.  I lived to tell about it.  That’s a huge fucking deal when six months ago, I felt like an utter failure – because my body, my womb cannot even sustain a life brewing in there.  But with my husband, the best, most solid person I know; we’ve decided that we are ready to start trying again.  And if it doesn’t happen for us, we are still the luckiest people to have each other to care for… but when we are favoured to have a child we, at least I, can consider myself more than complete.  Because right now,  I am okay, I am enough, no deficit – infact, I am abundant.*

These pictures are necessary for me.  It’s raw and maybe even uncomfortable for the audience but I needed to take them, and post them here today.

Thank you for indulging me.

Moving on

*thank you Mel T., for this. It also has to be said that without Unravelling,
I would not have been able to take this picture and post it.

7 Responses to Moving On

  1. AM says:

    Raw, Brave and Beautiful. Those words, I’m afraid, are all I’ve got. I love you.

  2. Gina says:

    I am sending you lots of love today. I know how difficult the due date is and I remember the feelings you have spoken about very clearly. I am glad that you are ready to try again it is a scary ride, but I am sending good baby vibes your way. Hoping for the very best for you!

  3. Susannah says:

    thinking of you, sweetheart xxox

  4. kelly says:

    thinking of you today Aggie – you are truly remarkable. I am sending every positive wish into the world to bring you what your heart desires. xo

  5. aggie you are such a brave lady. these photos are so strong because i know the strength it took for you to take them. you are brilliant and such a tremendous soul. love.

  6. Melanie T says:

    Aggie, I’m doing the August Break and I started checking out the Blogs, and I found yours. I have to say, I am a little lost for words because of your shout out to me on such a brave, amazing post. You are abundant, and tremendously powerful. Love you Aggie, you really hit me straight in my heart with this.

  7. Christine says:

    You are a very strong and brave woman. I believe things happen for a reason, and they just serve to make you stronger, and with fabulous better things to come in the future. xoxo

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