Okay, so here’s the thing.
I’m trying really hard to just go and let today pass by without any mention. But who am I kidding, really? Maybe, if I do this today, it would completely unchain me and finally move forward without any anchors holding me back or anvils crushing my head as I struggle free from this experience.
Today was supposed to be my due date, but obviously – I had a miscarriage. And there’s a huge lump in my throat. I know, I know… I’ve talked about this a gazillion times – but this is not something I can just completely glaze over because it was a big turning point in my life.
Six months later, I’m just starting to feel like myself again. This summer, I’ve realized that I’m a lot stronger than I tend to give myself credit for. The witty self-deprecation can be cute and funny, and depression is arguably and forgivably allowable, but it only goes so far and long that one can start getting wrapped up in their own despair and misery until they become the person that nobody wants to talk to or hang out with because they’re always so bloody sad and almost toxic.
I do not want to be that person. I have a proclivity to depression, yes. I fall back on self-deprecation, guilty. But I am more than that. I have the capacity to give myself another chance, maybe to even trust that I can get over it, that I can ‘do it’.
I have come a long way. It still pains me when I think about it, but I here I am, I woke up and got out of bed today – dressed myself and got myself to work. I lived to tell about it. That’s a huge fucking deal when six months ago, I felt like an utter failure – because my body, my womb cannot even sustain a life brewing in there. But with my husband, the best, most solid person I know; we’ve decided that we are ready to start trying again. And if it doesn’t happen for us, we are still the luckiest people to have each other to care for… but when we are favoured to have a child we, at least I, can consider myself more than complete. Because right now, I am okay, I am enough, no deficit – infact, I am abundant.*
These pictures are necessary for me. It’s raw and maybe even uncomfortable for the audience but I needed to take them, and post them here today.
Thank you for indulging me.